For the five years since they had been married, T & R both worked full time jobs. Each enjoyed their job; their work ethic helped them both to excel in their company. They normally spent their evenings doing things together or with friends. They stayed busy enough with their house, jobs, and social life that each one’s use of their phones stayed limited. Even when they were on their phones, they were together, and one would tease the other to ‘be present’ or ‘tell your boy/girlfriend you’re with your wife/husband right now’. There was an understanding between them that they weren’t perfect with it, but together they could hold each other accountable on their devices. It was a system that worked well – openness and honesty with their phone usage even without filters from a router or app.
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LinkedIn cites accountability as a cornerstone of personal and professional success. When we take responsibility for our own actions, we harness the power of change, influence, and accountability. Professionally, it is not difficult to see how accountability is important. When a person in a business does not follow through with their required task, the rest of the workplace will soon realize that person is not reliable. Likely, that person will find it difficult to be offered a promotion or to excel in the position they are in. They simply cannot be trusted with the performance of their work tasks, and ultimately can contribute to a negative work environment. Contrary, the person who IS responsible for their actions and duties in a business setting, will help move the company forward: creating leads, meeting deadlines, or improving customer satisfaction. They will be trusted by others, be more productive, build morale among their coworkers, and contribute to the company’s overall success. The professional setting quite often shows the ability of a person to be, or not be, accountable in obvious ways.
How does accountability in the workplace translate to our personal lives?
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R had told T that as soon as they had kids, she really wanted to be able to stay home. Being a mom had been her dream for many years. Even though she loved her job and was successful at it, she wanted to stay home with their children. T agreed and took on the responsibility of supporting the family on one income as their first child came along in their sixth year of marriage. As all new parents, they were engrossed with their new baby. Together, they did all the things new parents do: worry, take too many photos, hold the baby a lot, and coo at their little sweetie. Together, they took less time for each other and friends, with the attention being on the baby’s needs instead. Less date nights, less going to bed at the same time, less having friends over, and less time spent teasing each other about screen time use. One would always have a reason for too much screen time; which the other accepted as legitimate.
T was starting to do a little online business to earn some extra income. R was wanting to share photos with family far away and create picture books of these ‘firsts moments’ of the baby. T would almost always end up bringing the phone to bed and scrolling, while waiting for R to get done feeding the baby – which ended up with him falling asleep, phone on chest. R would scroll as she fed the baby, and during her long days at home with an infant, found herself bored and scrolling. She even opened up a new account on a new app which T didn’t have. “It’s just because I’m bored at home, and I need another resource for my baby knowledge.” This is how R justified her opening up a new app. Both of them somewhat knew what the other was doing, but didn’t really say anything. They understood the pressure the other was under, and wanted to respect their choices as grown ups.
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When does personal accountability actually need to be put in place? Is it after a threshold has been breached that action needs to be taken to be “reeled back in”, or does it work better to intervene early before it crosses a certain threshold?
LinkedIn reports very similar personal and professional life accountability tactics. Having clear goals and being aware of progress helps us improve behavior, stay on track, and progress through challenges and setbacks. Accountability in our personal lives must involve our spouse, children, and above all, the Lord. (Daniel 2:22) When we don’t do our part, the morale of the workplace (home) becomes negative, and the needs of coworkers or customers (spouse, children) are not met. Laundry, cleaning, yardwork, farm chores, homework, or cooking fall by the wayside when we’re not focused on them as goals for our whole family.
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Personally or professionally, we have built-in accountability partners. Bosses and coworkers keep us on track at work; children and spouses (and even parents) keep us on track at home. Distractions in both areas are inevitable, but someone will poke their timely head in to remind us to get back on track.
Accountability partners is not a new concept. One of the biggest areas in life where an accountability partner is employed is in fitness and nutrition. Without someone watching and ensuring you are meeting your goal, often goals are not met. Another common area is reading the Bible or devotions. You may not feel like it, but knowing that you’re responsible for the answers the next time you talk to your accountability partner, will help you stay on track when you don’t feel like it. Even church is accountability based – the consistory and others in the pews will notice how often you are missing during the church service. Having an accountability partner(s), who genuinely cares about you reaching a set goal, will ultimately result in you achieving that goal! Digitally, apps are available for your assistance: Accountable2You, CovenantEyes, and Supporti are a few examples. Partners can take on many forms as well. An accountability partner could be a child, a pet, an alarm, or even an app, to help you stay focused. Sources far and wide, from ages past, will report that an accountability partner is one of the best tools to use to accomplish a goal.
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As years went on, the habits they began in that sixth year of marriage with their newborn didn’t change for the better. Their teasing grew tense and their togetherness morphed into thumbing through new posts on their various apps. They hadn’t gotten into anything ‘bad’, necessarily, so what was the big deal? They still loved each other and took care of all the things their home needed, mostly. Previously, the time they spent playing a game together or reading, just became sitting in each other’s presence scrolling and sharing the funny memes they saw.
Their actions became a glaring reflection when their oldest child became the newest user of one of these “wonderful” devices. When he pulled it out at supper, they scolded him. When he had it in his room, they took it away gruffly; with an argument from the teen. When they limited his social media apps to zero and screen time to only thirty minutes a day, he sat in his room the rest of the evening. Upon his declaration, “WELL THAT’S WHAT YOU GUYS DO SO WHY CAN’T I?!”, their whole perspective changed.
R finally realized how much time she was spending scrolling her various apps. T understood that even though online work was not bad, the amount of time he was on it around his family wasn’t a good example. Together, they needed to set up family regulations and accountability in order to get their teen to understand what they KNEW to be true and a positive way of using digital devices.
It was harder for T & R to give up their screen time than their son. Their habits were already ingrained for nearly two decades, whereas he was just beginning to form his. The impression they had given him since he was a baby was already set in stone and his knowledge of digital devices was already vast. It wasn’t too late to make a positive and imperative change for their family though; there were younger siblings to think of too! What they did with their oldest, would be replicated by them and their younger children. Again, the once ‘always together’ couple, became ‘always together’ – and this time it was for their stance on social media and screen time. They took the challenge as a family to be accountability partners. They put limits in place on their router and set up a family app to monitor everyone’s use, even applying the ‘time limit’ on all of the phones for the media apps, and the phone to shut off at certain times. Together, the family became closer by being each other’s accountability partners; accountability to family game night and family book reading too! They weren’t perfect, but because of their mistakes, they understood how important having conversations, openness, and accountability to each other helped them reach their family goals.
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Accountability is for everyone: young, old, novice, expert, male or female. No one is above a mistake or sin, and every human needs someone or something to be accountable for their actions digitally, virtually, or with media. No one strategy is a catch-all for accountability, however. The best way to have good accountability with your family, is to utilize ALL of the means available to you.
Protect Young Eyes suggests three things in your quest to online safety:
- Guard the location of devices used – keep them in the open!
- Love your Router – use its filters to help you monitor devices
- Configure parental controls – take time to set them up everywhere!
You can read their article on this topic here. The research and work they’ve done to help families on a national scale is also attempting to protect our children from experiencing obscene material too young. This organization and many others like it are not the end-all solution to the issue that is media use. It is multi-faceted and multi-layered. As suggested by Focus on the Family in this two part podcast episode, the relationship you have with your children is also just as important as the filters you have set up. You will likely need to talk about their phone usage every day after they have their own phone – so do not be deterred by the eye rolls you get from them! The filters and parental controls may not be easy to navigate, but they are vitally important and worth the time it takes to set them up. Instead of inserting links for this, just Google the phrase ‘how to set up parental controls on ____’ and AI is very helpful in assisting you on this. You can set them up on the phone itself using Google Family (Android) or ‘Screen Time’ (iPhone), on YouTube, on IG, SnapChat, X, Facebook, and many other apps (even Pinterest)! Protect Young Eyes and SMMC have both rated the Gryphon router as one of the best on the market for parental control on all devices connected to it. See those reviews here from PYE, and here from SMMC.
Router filters are a powerful way to keep unwanted scenes and sites from your young children’s eyes. Are these the ONLY people in the family that router’s are for though? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Even adults can benefit from the filtering system of the router. Many adults struggle with pornography addictions, suicidal thoughts, and other addictive or negative behaviors that are fueled by the internet. Setting up the filters right on the router as a couple will help you both be honest about your online activities and help in curbing bad habits. The catch to the router with any phone connected to a wireless provider is that they must all change over to be connected to the in home WiFi. Even requiring the babysitters and grandparents to connect to your WiFi is the best way to keep them accountable and your children’s eyes protected.
At times, a router filter can be frustrating, and not allow the viewing of even parentally acceptable sites, such as gun purchases or hunting videos for hunters. In these instances, an on-device app can assist the parent in monitoring and limiting or permitting sites they want or don’t want their child to use. Verizon Family, Google Family, or iPhone Screen Time Limits are examples of filters on the phone that parents can set up to allow and watch their child’s activity. Not one of these is greater than the need for both parents and even grandparents, to continue to talk to the children, of all ages, about how to use their device. Always be clear with everyone in the family that a device is still a privilege, and they can and must be viewed by an adult at any time. Having these conversations and understandings in place mimics the fitness accountability partner: the person who is working with you will know if you are not meeting your goal, and will keep you on track through the process.
Each of these prior situations are examples and ways for parents to help each other and their children remain accountable online. Naturally, however, these may not always work for every situation. Think of the single man or woman, the parent on a trip without family members to hold them accountable, or when a parent isn’t on the Family monitoring system, is away from home, or waiting for their child to get finished with piano lessons or work. These are all instances that can be traps for screen time misuse. In addition, the importance of accountability must lie within ourselves, to be able to stop what may be considered negative online behavior. How do we do this if we are prone to sinful actions? Are we always able to just simply stop, or to pick up a book instead of our phone? Help from the Lord, through personal knowledge and prayer to Him, is the best defense anyone can acquire. In situations where that does not work, you need to change your mindset and your phone settings to assist you in stopping destructive online habits. It is possible, through the use of all of the means we’ve already spoken of: conversations and honesty with someone you trust, prayer, understanding and accepting of a mistake you’ve made, a desire to change bad habits and behavior, and using filters and other means to help you stop. Perhaps you may need to use your “scroll time” to call your mom, grandpa, sister or brother. Perhaps bringing a good book along with you in your “briefcase” to prevent mindless/useless scrolling. Remember, there is nothing that goes unnoticed by Him. (Matthew 10:26) Set “downtime” goals if you find you are spending too much time on your phone/devices. Read an actual book, listen to an audio book, take along a crossword or brain game book, plan to finish a work assignment, make an actual phone call to a family member, plan a grocery list, or write your month’s “to do” list or goals. Having a plan and a personal commitment to your goal will help you resist the temptations which could hinder your online goal.
It’s worth repeating, that the best way to be held accountable, is to discuss your accountability goal with someone you love and trust. Conversation, conversation, conversation. It’s not just vital to help your teen learn how to handle a new digital device, it’s essential for your own accountability as well. You can challenge your children on who uses less screen time each day or who sends less messages. You could check in with your sister who also loves to scroll social media, instead of cleaning her house. You could call or text your buddy every night to make sure neither of you have given in to online gambling or viewing pornography. You can tell your mom you’re going to call her on your way home from work instead of scrolling or texting and driving. In person accountability won’t work unless you’re honest with someone, but it is highly effective to keep you accountable and reduce bad habits and addictive tendencies.
In summary, here are the bullet points in making sure you and your loved ones are held accountable while using the internet.
- IN PERSON CONVERSATION
- Good Router Controls
- ‘On device’ filtering and control apps
- ‘In app’ time limits on the device
- Downtime or bedtime modes, screen time limits
- Daily or weekly check ins with a friend, mentor, or mate
- Accountability Apps
Check out these resources for further insight:
- Social Media & Marriage: Social Media Secrets Podcast Episode
- Digital Accountability: What it is and how to implement it
- Personal Accountability: Why and How to Use It
- Accountability App
- Accountability Partner Use: How to Practically Utilize One
Websites Referenced
https://www.protectyoungeyes.com/devices/windows-pc-parental-controls
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/power-accountability-why-taking-responsibility
https://accountable2you.com/ https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/the-best-accountability-tools-for-christians/
*Please note that although we have found valuable information from an external web page for our blog post, we do not endorse all information, religious views, and opinions posted on these third-party websites.